Today is 1st Muharram which is referred to a beginning of a new year in the Islamic calendar and last year certainly left its mark with those sweet and excruciating memories.
Looking back though,it has been so much unpleasant things I had been through. And in the last 8 months,there had been a lot to accept and almost everyday my day would start with mess as I woke up with a horrendous migraine headache probably too much of tears and thinking.Too many of bittersweet memories over the past few months but it seems like I remembered the bitter part mostly.Those memories used to be my best friend for all this time whenever I miss you.I’ve kept all the memories locked in my head,struggling to remember every single things we did,every single words you've said including your very last words that utterly wrenched at my heart and I flushed the key of my memory down the toilet so that no one can find the key unless kau pergi indahwater digging for the key kalau kau nak sangat lah aku lupakan dia.I don’t want those memories to fade since I’ve lost all the photos of us and things that remind me of you.Tinggal botol air mineral kosong wtf kau simpan benda tu.Boleh pergi buang sekarang.And there were times where you thought you've completely moved on and all you want to be is to be his very best mate but sometimes,you knowww surreptitiously you just want things back the way they were before.Dealing with this aren’t easy huh?Kejap rasa macam dah move on kejap rasa macam enjin je dah lama start tapi minyak tak tekan lagi.Macam mana nak gerak.Tapi sekarang rasa macam dah gerak sikit-sikit dan tahun ini dah boleh tukar gear 5.Dah boleh pergi join rempit tiap2 malam sabtu.Yeahh hoo.Itu semua dulu.Semua dulu-dulu.Dealing with the studies is more complicated anyway.Lagi fening-fening.Haih yang ini tak tahu nak cakap macammana.Ini lagi masalah besar sebenarnya.I can feel like my brain is slowly degrading.Hilang boyfriend boleh bla lagi.Ok ok tak boleh bla sebenarnya.
Tahun lepas jugak finally I have my very own acoustic guitar I always wanted since after the spm.Tapi kan tak power main lagi lah haih macam mana ni.
Masuk part solat untuk tahun lepas pulak memang tak payah cerita lah.Rasa dah menggunung dosa untuk tahun lepas je. Dan malam tadi kat surau terbaca artikel dosa yang lagi besar dari zina ialah dosa tinggal solat lepastu tak rasa menyesal lansung sebab tinggalkan solat tu.*huish telan airliur sekarang.
Tahun lepas rasa macam tahun air mata.Haha.Ok dah tahun ni nak jadi tahun gelak ketawa.Air mata semua boleh simpan untuk potong bawang.
This year I want to be a better daughter to umi and abah and a better sister to my only sister and brother.I don’t think I’ve done anything that can make them proud of. I know they are proud of me, always be my side no matter what but I just don’t think I earned it. I’m not good enough to deserve such attention and it makes me feel guilty of not being what they really want me to be.
I will no longer waste my time rekindling the past,instead I will spend it worrying about the future.Oh ok ini baru betul.